Our friend Anne Jackson's second book, Permission to Speak Freely - Essays and Art on Fear, Confession and Grace releases today! She's giving us a little taste of the book by sharing seven excerpts on seven different blogs, this is the sixth. To read the rest of the essays, check out the links at the end.
Anne is also giving away a copy of her book to two commenters, chosen at random, on Friday. So check out the question at the end and leave a comment to be entered to win!
You can pick up a copy of the book here.
Essay #6 - Ghosts of Churches Past
The confession about the porn and the men and the million other shameful things was the beginning of a spiritual reawakening. Although I wasn’t completely convinced that a sovereign, loving God could just sit by and watch a family get abused by His church, and a sixteen-year-old girl get her heart broken by a youth pastor, there was something new inside my heart that caused me to listen and watch for Him.
I figured if He was who He said He was, maybe He’d show me. Maybe I would give Him another chance.
My best friend Julie, from Abilene, was going to college at Hardin-Simmons and decided she needed a mental and financial respite from university life. I had just left my position managing the Christian bookstore to take a better-paying job in communication design at a trendy dot-com. I invited her to live with me in my cute one-bedroom condo outside of Dallas, and a few days later she showed up with her Nissan Sentra packed full of laundry baskets and clothes.
The weekend rolled around, and I got dressed up to go out with some friends. We had plans to go to a few bars and hear some bands, then head to another friend’s house to drink and sleep over so we wouldn’t have to drive back to our respective homes intoxicated. I asked Julie if she’d like to go along, but she opted to stay behind because partying like that wasn’t really her thing.
It was probably seven o’clock in the morning when I made my way back home, where I crawled into my own bed and cursed the amount of drinking I had done the night before. Julie, as consistent as ever, was already awake and in the shower. I had just nodded off when she came out, dressed nicely, and asked me where we were going to church.
How funny of her to assume that we’d still go to church together like we did in high school. Maybe I was ready to give God another try—but church?
Not a chance.
I muttered some expletives under my breath and told her I didn’t go to church but there was at least one on every corner, so she shouldn’t have a problem finding something to suit her.
She left, and when she came back home, I was still in bed.
This pattern continued for a while until Julie finally convinced me to go to church with her.
She hadn’t yet found a church she was in love with, so I decided if I was going to have to go, I got to choose. We drove up to the Highland Village area of Dallas. A few of my coworkers lived in the area and I figured if I was going to have to go to church, I may as well make a networking opportunity out of it.
We pulled into the parking lot of a Baptist church. It seemed familiar enough and small enough. I recognized a girl from the marketing department of my company sitting on the far right side. We took a bulletin from the ushers and made our way to our seats.
I didn’t feel as uncomfortable as I thought I would. The music was familiar but fresh. Fully expecting to see someone like my father take the stage for the sermon, I was completely surprised when the pastor stepped out. He couldn’t be too much older than we were—maybe in his late twenties or early thirties. And he wasn’t wearing a suit and tie.
Julie asked me as we drove home what I thought. Would I go back?
I shrugged.
At best, I was apathetic, still wrestling with the truth of where and who God was. My logical undercurrent told me the best way to be objective as I attempted to discover—or rediscover—my faith meant I needed to stay away from churches. As nice as the people at the Baptist church were, in my mind, they were the ghosts of pastors and church people in my past that I couldn’t trust.
It wasn’t their fault.
But I still couldn’t move on.
We didn’t go back to church there, or at least I didn’t. Julie may have. However, we did visit a couple of other churches on occasion, usually because of how cute the boys were. Regardless of where I may have attended church the few times I did, I couldn’t let go of the pain and confusion of the past.
Not too long after Julie had moved in, I found out my department at work was being downsized. On a whim, we decided this change of employment was an opportunity to leave Texas behind. A week after my last day at work, we packed up and moved to Kansas City. After all, we were young—almost twenty-two years old at this point—and, except for my family, had zero commitment to anything in Dallas.
In fact, if anything, I felt haunted as I drove through certain parts of town, being reminded of what happened there and with whom.
Maybe a fresh start is what I needed to find God again.
That is, if He was looking for me.
------
Have you ever had a difficult time trusting people in churches because of something you experienced in the past?
------
For the first essay, visit Don Miller's blog and follow the
chain...
For the next and final essay, visit Anne Jackson's blog, FlowerDust.net.
Absolutely! Once involved deeply in a church, it’s difficult to not get let down. Churches are operated by sinners….what more can we expect.
The challenge is not letting one, or two, or however many….instances ruin the way you view everyone else. The more times you get stepped on, the harder it is. I wish there were a simple answer…..
Comment by Toby - Aug 31, 2010 @ 04:37 AM
It’s just sad that so many people turn back from Christianity not because of Christ but because of the people themselves who profess to be Christians.
In any case, this account reminded me of the utmost need to represent Christ in a world full of hurt and pain.
Comment by S a r a h - Aug 31, 2010 @ 04:47 AM
Definitely! Having grown up in church I have experienced many painful experiences and rather than receive support and encouragement I have been judged and publicly cast out. Thankfully I have learned to follow Christ not people! Anne’s book reminds me of Gandi’s quote, “I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”
Comment by Kimberly - Aug 31, 2010 @ 08:22 AM
I guess I just know that all people are human and we are all a part of a fallen world so not really. But I know to accept the fact that they probably will fail me and so I guess in some ways it’s hard for me to put my full trust in them. I guess that is why I have issues opening up to people. Either I just don’t trust them or I know they will fail me.
I’m hoping your book will help me to see how I need to open up. The enemy really can drive you crazy by making you keep things to yourself and not open up about them.
dj
Comment by Darrell Jordan - Aug 31, 2010 @ 09:11 AM
Yeah, sometimes I’m afraid to have a real friendship with people. I’m afraid that they’ll drain me, and then leave. I’m tired of investing energy into people who fail me.
Comment by Ashley - Aug 31, 2010 @ 09:49 AM
Not just in the Church….
Comment by rg21 - Aug 31, 2010 @ 10:07 AM
Have you ever had a difficult time trusting people in churches because of something you experienced in the past?
Yes, it takes courage to trust and when you’ve been let down countless times you don’t give people much chance to be trustworthy and if they put a foot wrong then they’re not trustworthy. For me, it’s a fight in my mind and perceptions.
Comment by ann - Aug 31, 2010 @ 10:15 AM
Like I said in an earlier comment, I had a hard time trusting people in general. Purely by the grace of God, this didn’t effect my faith, but it certainly effected the way I interfaced with the church. I believed in myself, and I believed in God. I was weary of everyone else. They either wouldn’t help me, couldn’t help me, or simply didn’t understand me (also note all the “me"s in that sentence.) Thankfully, God brought me to a wonderful church with understanding leadership. I worked through a lot of my past and learned to trust and love others. I moved now, though, and am looking for a new church. I’m certainly still weary of others, but I’m willing to give them the chance.
Comment by Jo_of_TSN - Aug 31, 2010 @ 11:17 AM
I am generally suspicious of all people. God has been helping me to see the self-righteous roots of that sin.
Comment by Jacob - Aug 31, 2010 @ 12:23 PM
I got really burned out volunteering in church during high school. I didn’t attend church regularly during college partly because of that. So when I finally found a church to call home last fall, I was terrified to volunteer, to get really involved. Fortunately, when I did finally decided it was time to start serving, I had an amazing experience. I joined the parking team in March and have loved every minute of serving. And just a few weeks ago I also started to learn how the lighting works, which was really scary because the responsibility level is similar to what I did in high school. So far the guy I’ve been working with has been very patient, very gracious, and has asked me several times if I’m sure I don’t want to take a week off. I feel really blessed to finally be enjoying serving God.
Comment by Brenda - Aug 31, 2010 @ 01:15 PM
I went to a pastor because of something that happened in church that was inappropriate (directly to me). I got no help from him at all, and the person who was inappropriate with me was not watched carefully enough to make sure that it didn’t happen with somebody else. One pastor (I will never forget his kindness!) was very validating and wanted to help me, but he was essentially outvoted by the the elders. Ultimately I left that church because I felt completely invalidated by the senior pastor and the board of elders, who essentially ignored my concerns.
I found another church; I never blamed God. I basically shook the dust from my sandals and moved on.
Comment by Hollyberry - Aug 31, 2010 @ 02:42 PM
Definitely. But it’s not just in churches. I think the problem is that we think that it SHOULDN’T be in churches. We don’t trust co-workers, friends, sometimes family…but we should always be able to trust our pastors or fellow church-goers…right? Wrong. The sin of mankind know no bounds, and I believe that we must take churches off the “perfect pedestals” and open the discussion about how real life exists both inside and outside the walls of a church.
Comment by matt - Aug 31, 2010 @ 05:41 PM
I’m a PK with a similar story. After twelve years of ministry my dad moved to the political arena where getting stabbed in the back was more manageable, as it wasn’t done “in the name of the Lord.” The barrage of ammo fired at him made us all casualties: spiritually, emotionally and relationally.
Comment by Sarah Warnock - Aug 31, 2010 @ 06:09 PM
I have had a hard time learning to trust again after being burned so many times. What I had to learn first was that God is the only one worthy of my trust and that all others I need to hold onto loosely. No one can support me, love me, guide me, direct me, challenge me or live with me through everything in life. I had to learn to trust God, not dwell on the question why and stand on my own two feet with a fellowship of believers around me.
Comment by Kate - Aug 31, 2010 @ 06:20 PM
Oh my.
“As nice as the people at the Baptist church were, in my mind, they were the ghosts of pastors and church people in my past that I couldn’t trust.”
Still fighting those ghosts, two years later.
Comment by stacy - Aug 31, 2010 @ 06:34 PM
It would be easy to add my own story but… Question: What worked to bring people back to trusting God and the ‘church’? I am not interested in the “just dust off your feet stories”
Comment by Glenda - Aug 31, 2010 @ 07:07 PM
Yes- within a window of less than 1 year, I was deceived by a boss who went to my church that I grew up in- and then the church fired a good friend of mine out of the blue.
Comment by David - Aug 31, 2010 @ 07:47 PM
Watched my parents pastor a church and be abused by the congregation… then worked in a para-church organization and had similar abuse in the name of God. It happens everywhere. Not sure why I’m surprised anymore.
Comment by Becky - Aug 31, 2010 @ 09:53 PM
my last church experience left me badly burned, and now i tend to just have a little private Bible study time on Sundays by myself.
but yes, there are times when i wonder if He is up there due to circumstances surrounding my life…
Comment by missrenee - Sep 01, 2010 @ 01:17 AM
Yes, I’ve been burned and it wasn’t until I became a leader that God showed me how important it is to be transparent and take the risks that come with building real relationships. Not that I let everyone in, but I no longer work as hard to keep everyone out.
Comment by Karen - Sep 01, 2010 @ 01:29 AM
YES!! Sometimes for multiple things, but the biggest is fear that any leader I connect with in a church will leave. After my sixth grade year the Sunday School teachers who had taught my class since second grade moved on. My favorite leader in eighth grade moved to England the next year. The two leaders I connected with most in ninth grade moved to different churches after that year. After my tenth grade year a leader who I had connected with since seventh grade and was then SUPER close to moved out to an Indian reservation. That same year another leader who had started reaching out to me just sort of disappeared (like I think she still attends the church, but she moved out of a leadership role and I never saw her again). After my junior year the youth pastor started a church plant and another youth staff I was close to stepped down and started attending a different church, and yet another volunteer leader who I had connected with stepped down. So now I am nervous to ever let a church leader start to reach out to me too much because I am afraid it will be pull me close and make me love being around you and have a close friendship with you and then leave me. I distance myself from anyone who is a leader, and if anyone breaks through my shell I need reassurance—often—that they are not going to leave me.
Comment by ~VA~ - Sep 01, 2010 @ 06:48 AM
The pain we survived and I use survived because it felt like a near death experience would fill up chapters of a book! The betrayal of trust and absolute devastation to our family left us completely changed from the people we were previous to this experience. It was a good lesson to us to never take our eyes off of Jesus, I think that’s where we messed up. Put a fellow sinner on a pedestal that he couldn’t stay on. Unfortunately, in church there is pain on both sides whether you sit in a leadership position or you sit in a chair in the congregation. Sinners crashing into other sinners…bound to be some pain and hurt in that. It wasn’t until I really started understanding the gospel that I realized that someone’s little “sin” against me wasn’t anything compared to the grievous sins that Jesus had to carry to the cross for me. Puts a whole lot about church into perspective at that point. We took some time off from church because it seemed so hopeless to do all of that again with possibly the same results….but God never let us be content about being home every Sunday. I’m very glad he didn’t. I think I understand a little better why God calls us into community with other believers! It’s really important to be a part of that church community~ for others that might need to hear our story and the others that we will meet that we need to hear their story. It equips me to be a disciple in this world, it teaches me to not be so selfish all the time and look at someone’s needs over my own even when that can be painful! It’s also the absolute example of God’s love when people can love and have conflict and forgive and continue to love!!! It makes me realize I still have so much to learn on this journey!!!
Comment by Mel - Sep 01, 2010 @ 09:14 AM
I’ve moved 16 times in the last 7 years trying to get rid of pasts I didn’t want to think about anymore or be reminded of. I’ve learned that it works for a short period, but you will have to deal with stuff no matter where you live. God is healing.
Comment by kathryn - Sep 01, 2010 @ 10:31 AM
I have been through a lot. I grew up in a very judgemental baptist church. My pastor whom I adored had an affair with one of my friends in the Bible College connected to our church. He was in his 50’s she was 18. After that, our church went through a split and my wonderful parents who had served there for years were pushed out and shunned by a lot of so called “friends”. I was crushed and only starting college. I was so confused as to who I could trust. I knew God wanted me in the ministry so after graduating Bible college, my husband and I were lead to a church as the Youth Pastors. We served for almost 7 years there and then our pastor and his father were caught stealing millions from the church and the Pastor Emeritus was caught in an affair. My husband was one of only 2 staff members left to try and hold the church together and it had taken a toll on me. After a year, his best friend from college showed interest in taking the church over and again another betrayal and lost friendship. We are now at another church, he is an associate pastor and I pray and beg God please don’t let him be a lead pastor one day, I can’t handle it. I feel as if I have so many bricks up, I just can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel right now. I feel so betrayed and scared to ever trust anyone ever again. Especially leaders. And sometimes I wonder if I even trust my husband since he is a pastor himself?
Comment by Erin Schaefer - Sep 01, 2010 @ 11:56 AM
I could gauge the progress I was making at learning to trust a church again by how close to the platform I was willing to sit in the auditorium. For the first few months, I’d sit in the far back, then as time went by, I began to inch forward. The movement really did correspond with the inner movement I was making toward trusting the people there.
Comment by Kirsten - Sep 01, 2010 @ 01:21 PM
Definitely.
Comment by raene - Sep 01, 2010 @ 09:08 PM
Yes. I didn’t experience the major betrayal some others have experienced, but I have been hurt enough to build up some walls. I didn’t grow up in church, so my dramatic conversion and ignorance left me open to being taken advantage of. I also put too high of expectations on people and thought they were going to be perfect, because they were Christians, unlike the people who had hurt me all my life! I’m in a better place now…I question everything I’m taught, I don’t wholly trust people. I don’t think that’s all bad.
Comment by Jennifer B. - Sep 02, 2010 @ 10:03 AM
Unfortunately, my experience in a church that I have attended for 35 years is that if you want to be accepted and respected, you don’t dare share anything that would cause people to question your beliefs, or your commitment. Can’t wait until my son graduates from high school in 2 years, because he is the only reason I am still there. I attend another church on a Saturday night, but my son doesn’t like it (too big for him) so I stay in a situation that causes me pain for him. I don’t wish to alienate him from church by forcing him to go somewhere that he doesn’t wish to go.
Comment by Karin - Sep 02, 2010 @ 05:52 PM
I’ve gone to the same church my whole life, so not to this degree. There are some people there who have hurt me and I’ve been able to forgive, but it’s hard to trust after those experiences.
Comment by Heathir - Sep 02, 2010 @ 06:27 PM