This is a guest blog post from Sarah Francis Martin. Sarah is the author of upcoming book Stress Point: Thriving Through your Twenties in a Decade of Drama (Thomas Nelson, June 2012) and blogs at www.liveitoutblog.com.
I'd like you to join me in a little conversation I had with myself--a gut check if you will. After hanging up the phone for a ministry brainstorming session my mind swirled with possibilities and grand plans. I thrive on concocting marketing plans and to-do lists. Before I know it, though, I lose focus on my purpose and drown in a sea of details that revolve around making the project known rather than the very One I'm working so diligently for.
Scheme after scheme and plan after plan permeates my motivation and suddenly the thought of gaining favor in the eyes of my audience excites me more than hearing from the ultimate audience of One, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."
The idea that my name would headline a book on the shelf stirs my emotions more than the very Savior I proclaim in said book.
As I sat on the couch with my phone in my hand, a lump in my throat, and beads of sweat that threatened to reveal my current stress level, here is what transpired in my mind:
Sarah, what is your problem?
Where along the way did you lose focus on what is really important?
Who do you think you are that your plans, your concoctions, will lead to more souls loving Jesus?
Since when were you more concerned with your name being famous?
Since when did you place that goal over the fame of your King?
These are not easy questions to digest and evaluate. I would rather not look that deep into my motivations which might reveal a servant caught up in the frenzy of doing ministry. I would rather continue on with the facade of humility--not letting other see this dark space in my heart. I wonder if John the Baptist ever struggled with this tug of war of pride over the greater Glory? Reading John 3:30 makes me think that John the Baptist probably did not expend brain cells on developing grand plans for his name and his personal ministry,
"He must increase, but I must decrease."
The good news is that His message is entirely more impactful than my own. Words spoken out of self-indulgence, no matter how holy they sound, fall flat. By evaluating my motivation for recognition and dampening the desire to personally increase, this very decrease of my pride allows for a deeper, more Spirit-driven message to arise from my ministry.
Though not the least bit pleasant, this gut check of mine reminded me a of my ministry goal that the Lord has set on my heart: to lead a generation of young adults to seek the face of the Lord, their King of Kings. (Psalm 24:6) How can I do this if I'm overly concerned with my own renown? Those who I desire to reach would see the hypocrisy, for we live in a world that specializes in self-increase and despises decrease.
I would love to say that this gut-check was a one-time-event and that I successfully resolved the issue at hand. Thank goodness the very mercy, grace, love, and continual forgiveness from the Cross that I so desire others to hear about applies to even me, over and over again, one gut check after another.
