I couldn't write today's post without first offering an honest confession; it follows in the indented section of this blog. if you want to jump right into my recap of Sunday in Kenya feel free to scroll down to "tears & laughter."
a confession...
Staring at a blank screen searching for words is not new to me. Doing it with tears streaming down my face is. It hasn't happened in a long time. Today sparked so much emotion; from the memory of my late father and our family dynamics that prick the sensitive areas of the heart to my experience today with Michael and his 22yr old mother whose hope in life is being restored...the past and the present collided and my emotions were crushed between the two.Before I offer pictures and captions to highlight the day I need to share some thoughts. The last several days have been a bit out of the ordinary for the Catalyst blog, a blog normally filled with posts centering around leadership and topics covering "what's next" for the church, but this trip has been a bit out of the ordinary, to say the least. The only way I find it possible to survive this carnival of emotions is to process through writing, and because of my role on this trip as a blogger representing Catalyst, this is my outlet for writing. It's slowly becoming an extension of my personal journal...I've just never shared my personal journal during "work hours."
When I write for the Catalyst blog I try to write with a focus on concisely maintaing the vision of Catalyst and respectfully remaining professional. The last couple of days I have asked questions like, "what am I allowed to say, this is the Catalyst blog! It's not my personal blog...this isn't a place for my journal. Can I say this? Can I say that?" Reality is, I can't do it anymore. I can't try to separate "work" responsibilities from the power of these very "personal" and deeply emotional moments during my time in Kenya. I'm here as an extension of the Catalyst team as part of our partnership with Compassion International, and I'm honored beyond words to have the chance to represent our team, and to represent you. But if I am going to be here, I must FULLY be here and allow my words to come out freely, and if it comes out like a journal then so be it. Trying to process a day like today is impossible without offering my heart and soul...and that is the most personal thing I have to offer.
For the next few days I am going to treat this like my personal journal, allow Kenya to be shared through the lens of my heart, and suspend the questions of how to form this for a specific audience. I am confessing the need to write with vulnerable freedom as I process this journey in Kenya. I needed to say this, probably more for myself than anyone else...and maybe that's an appropriate way to continue this "journal." These pictures and words to follow highlight a powerfully emotional day for me.
tears & laughter...
It began at breakfast when a conversation with Kent, Keely, Patricia, and Kristen somehow turned toward the topic of our parents. I learned that Kent lost his mother to pancreatic cancer two years ago, and then the memories of my father and his battle with cancer came roaring to the surface. My dad passed away March 8th, 2007. It will be three years tomorrow, and as much as I hate admitting it, it's still hard. Within minutes I was in tears, not sure why those emotions struck so suddenly. I pushed them aside and we left for church.
Hours later the tears resurfaced when I spent the afternoon with my Compassion child, Michael Baraka, and his 22yr old mother, Olivia. The reality of Michael and Olivia becoming a new part of my family hit home, and I wasn't ready for how the memories of my dad would crash into the awareness of my new role as a partial provider for this young boy and his family. I am not Michael's father, and I know I never will be, but I played with him today like my dad used to play with me. Why did I remember my dad so vividly this morning? I don't know. But the unlocking of those memories and the emotions to follow allowed for me to connect with Michael in a way that I didn't think was possible. It was a day full of tears, laughter, tears, and laughter...
Nairobi Mamba Village & Crocodile Farm Resort
my new Kenyan family
right next to the crocodile farm, an amusement park with camel rides!
Me, Michael, and Shaun rocking the face paint...
I knew it! :) Oh well, he'll lean it's a volleyball some day...
We were walking back to the bus at the end of the day and Michael asked me why I had to leave and where I was going. I told him we had to go back to Nairobi before heading home to America on Wednesday. Keely captured this image as Michael replied...I was caught me off guard and my smile held back the tears until I could get in the bus, "LV, I want to come with you."
...
(Ryan, thank you for this picture.)
I love my dad, and I miss him. But today's tears are filled with overwhelming joy as I think about Michael and the opportunity I have to be part of his life. I was told that this would be a day that our sponsor child would never forget. I didn't realize the same would be true for me.
LV
Sponsor a child today.
Thanks for sharing your heart honestly, it’s beautiful.
Comment by Jen Taylor - Mar 07, 2010 @ 01:51 PM
Wow… What an expierence LV. I’m so thankful that you shared your heart, it is beautiful. Those photos speak a thousand words. I’ve always enjoyed your enthusiasm and zest for life, so I cheer you on for sharing how you are feeling on your trip. Keep it up!
Comment by Allison Koch Smith - Mar 07, 2010 @ 01:56 PM
Hey LV,
I have not been to your blog before this Kenya trip. I follow these trips and hang on every word and photo from all the blogger’s posts. I read them and look at every pic and post multiple times. I cried all over this post. (A really gorgeous post here.) I sponsor 3 Compassion kids- I have 2 kids from Uganda that I started in January of ‘09. I also picked a boy from Haiti after the earthquake. I would love to sponsor 500 of these precious kids. You just made me feel like I spent the day with my Compassion kids. I can’t believe Michael told you he wanted to come home with you. How did you not take him? I would have been a puddle. My heart goes out to you. And I am so sorry to hear about cancer claiming your dad. That really sucks. I am so sorry. Praying for you and all the bloggers.
Nice to meet you LV.
Comment by Gina - Mar 07, 2010 @ 01:57 PM
A few years after my dad died I had a final visit with my sponsored child in Ecuador who I had sponsored for 13 years. We both knew this goodbye was probably the last. When I had first met him as a 5 year old his mother told me I would be the father he never had. My 27 year old brain wasn’t ready for that one. But then 13 years later to be saying a final goodbye to this young man, after having lost my father, it was way too much to put together emotionally. Keely was there, ask her, I was a mess. I don’t know if I have ever heard someone articulate something that even came close to what I felt that day. Thanks for connecting some of the dots for me and thanks for sharing some of the personal in the professional space. I wish I was there with you guys. We definitely need to hang out someday.
Comment by Steve Jones - Mar 07, 2010 @ 02:29 PM
Love your vulnerability friend. My heart is full for you thinking about the rawness of your experiences and the feelings that have and will come as a result. Keep “leaning into that”, as someone I know always says. ;) We missed you in Dallas this morning. - Cait
Comment by Caitlin Clarkson - Mar 07, 2010 @ 02:38 PM
I’ve loved following your journey through your blogging! It all seems strangely familiar to see you visiting Africa…..I was in Ethiopia twice last year. And, I must say that hearing your (and other bloggers) voice communicate “on paper” has been quite cathartic for me as I am still processing all that I saw this past year. So, thanks, LV!
Okay, its been wild to see pictures of you and Shaun together….two guys….one who my husband, Kenny, and I grew up with (you) and the other, a guy who has a niece and nephew (Y&S) that lived with our Ethiopian daughter and who had a role in our adoption story through HIS blog (Shaun). WILD - this world is so big and yet so small!
Will be praying for the rest of your time on a beautiful continent!
Comment by Jill (Freeman) Wade - Mar 07, 2010 @ 03:05 PM
LV, your open heart is such a blessing and your blog entries have really touched me. Losing our parents is a wound that never seems to heal completely. You are a huge blessing to Michael and his mother, and it is such a gift to be able to pass on the love that your earthly father and heavenly Father have given to you. You encourage me to do the same with the people I encounter in my daily life.
Thanks for being so inspiring. I look forward to your next entries.
“Momma L”
Comment by Beth Langston - Mar 07, 2010 @ 03:12 PM
I’m so proud of you, LV!!!!
Comment by Angie - Mar 07, 2010 @ 03:15 PM
Today in church (gracebiblechurch .org) we watched a missionary Nairobi video of a woman martyr for Christ named “Mama David”. She would not renounce her faith by converting back to Islam, was tortured each time responding with “Jesus will forgive you if you turn to him, and I forgive you”. Eventually she was killed. Tears streamed down my face with repressed sob. Jesus is the great and worthy father who will never leave us. Isn’t it that unconditional and supportive love of a parent that leaves us with such a good memory? I’m glad you got to do some imprinting today, and illustrate the Christian family- all of God’s children.
Comment by Jennifer Johnson - Mar 07, 2010 @ 05:59 PM
I came to you from another blogger who is on the trip with you (Ryan). The words of the bloggers have touched my heart and the pictures have made me smile. However, the last picture, you hugging Michael, sums up everything perfectly. Physically I didn’t feel the hug, but it was tight. I know it was. His eyes are closed, as I’m sure yours are, too. That is a true hug. A hug that speaks volumes. A hug where your hearts beat together and a bond of friendship is sealed.
Thank you for sharing.
Comment by Susan - Mar 07, 2010 @ 06:29 PM
LD,
This is incredibly beautiful and heart felt. It strikes a very deep chord in me. Thank you for exposing your raw emotions with the world. You’re awesome.
Comment by Kristen Welch - Mar 07, 2010 @ 07:46 PM
Thank you so much for sharing your heart. There were a few things I thought about writing in this comment here but none of them really matter in the long run. Bottom line is…thank you for sharing. Michael’s eyes say so much to me.
Comment by Elaina - Mar 07, 2010 @ 08:16 PM
thank you for being a part of this with me, and our team. your comments mean the world and offer more encouragement than you probably realize. please continue to pray with us that this trip and these stories would lead to more children around the world being rescued out of poverty. your words and these responses are a gift, thank you.
Comment by LV Hanson - Mar 07, 2010 @ 09:11 PM
Wherever The Church is headed next, it needs to go with it’s heart. I submit that you should never write in a disconnected manner again. When you use your heart, you speak Jesus’.
Thank you. :)
Comment by Lindsay @ Not2Us - Mar 07, 2010 @ 09:19 PM
Was in tears reading this post…
Thanks for inviting this blog world to be a listening ear as you process the overwhelming flood of thoughts and emotions. I hope that you will always be safe to freely share your heart and soul.
Praying for you, especially on March 8th, as you say “see you later” to your Father and to your Sponsor Son, Michael.
Comment by Anita Kim - Mar 07, 2010 @ 10:22 PM
L.V.
I love your heart! It is big. When God captures our heart with His love for the world it is a beautiful thing.
From one of the other comments I gather that you live in Dallas. I will be there in April and would love to catch a few minutes with you. Kristen and I would love to have you come and stay in our home in Houston for a weekend.
Comment by Terrell Welch - Mar 07, 2010 @ 10:24 PM
This is my favorite post you have written because it is the LV that I know. It was honest, real, raw and full of truth & love. Be true to yourself & keep writing that way! You have a gift with words! This post also brought tears to my eyes. Michael is lucky to have you as part of his family (and you are lucky to have him). I can’t tell you how much I loved the fact that he used your volleyball as a soccer ball :)
Praying for you today as you remember your dad & for you and your team in Kenya.
Comment by mel - Mar 07, 2010 @ 10:53 PM
thank you for sharing your heart so transparently here, LV. i know you love big, and i’m so glad michael was able to experience that firsthand. that picture of you two hugging goodbye just about wrecked me. wow.
you’re in my thoughts and prayers today especially, knowing what this day means for your heart.
Comment by alece - Mar 08, 2010 @ 02:46 AM
LV-
Beautiful pictures! I was so excited to see you in a blog that was recommended by The Pioneer Woman (http://www.thepioneerwoman.com)- on Ryan’s blog. She gets 4 million hits a month on her blog, so you might get some people looking at Ryan’s blog, then yours!
Awesome story and so glad you got to meet your little man. Jack and I got to meet one of our kids, Ikote, in Kenya 2 summers ago and it was amazing. We ended up sponsoring another child from Ngaamba because we worked with his dad digging a water line. He was the toughest guy out there, digging 7 days a week to put his 9 kids through school. We only sponsor 4 boys, but we are hoping to invest in more kids. One boy, Orlando, from Colombia is about to graduate and I’ve sponsored him for 12 years. He is going to COLLEGE next year and is studying computers!! How amazing is that??!
Keep investing and keep blogging!!!
and and jack
Comment by Amy Younkins - Mar 08, 2010 @ 07:28 AM
My family and I just started sponsoring 2 children a little over a month ago.
Not sure where exactly you guys will be going in Kenya but one of our sponsored children is at the African Inland Church—Ikanga Child Development Center. If you happen to go there and think of it, please find Mercy Njeri Kenneth, give her a huge hug and tell her that her sponsor family loves and prays for her every single day.
God bless you guys on your trip and have a safe return home.
Kristin
Comment by Kristin Puckett - Mar 08, 2010 @ 08:02 AM
I’m a friend of Jennifer’s but have been tracking with you guys on your physical and heartfelt journeys this week. Thank you for sharing your perspective and being willing to be vulnerable in the life of Michael and his mom. My husband lost his father 12 years back and there are “new” things that happen unexpectedly, bringing the flood of memories and emotions even now. It’s powerful that your dad’s memory was so vivid in meeting Michael face to face…I believe it’s a taste of Gods’ grace to you. Now my husband works at Compassion as the Director of the Child Survival Program…even though he can’t physically share it with his dad, he knows his dad would be extremely proud…just as yours is.
Comment by Adrienne Graves - Mar 08, 2010 @ 10:12 AM
Sitting in tears at my desk. Thank you for sharing the personal journey you are on with the Lord. That often times speaks louder than ponderings on leadership, because the Spirit uses it to prick others hearts through the experience of Him pricking yours. God specifically laid you and your dad on my heart as I was praying and you sharing this is such confirmation that I heard his voice and how powerfully he answers prayer. Thank you for your vulneribility.
Comment by Jennifer DeStefano - Mar 08, 2010 @ 11:26 AM
Well snap… I’m at the office, in tears, and I do this for a living. this was a truly incredible post, which I’m sure you gathered from all the other comments above. I don’t want to sound like a broken record, but I had to tell you how much your post refreshed me. I’ve never been to the field and while I can tell you all day long what it is that we do, I could never tell you how it feels. You made me feel it. And it hurt a little, in a good way. Thank you, LV. I had no idea you were on this trip, but I am so grateful now!
Praying for y’all.
Comment by Meredith Dunn - Mar 08, 2010 @ 12:21 PM
Thank you for sharing your heart!! The posts wouldn’t be the same if you didn’t. I just wanted to say in regards to this being the Catalyst Blog and focusing on what’s next for the church. This. Kenya. Rescuing those in poverty. That is part of what is next for the church. As a whole the church has forgotten and abandoned practices of helping the widows and orphans as the first church did. You’re being there serves as a reminder on what the church is supposed to do.
Comment by Prudence - Mar 09, 2010 @ 06:53 PM