Overcoming the Imposter Inside

How do you tell your congregation you used a knife to carve the F-word into your thigh last night?

Not the factoid you'd like to include in your Sunday morning sermon.

But your story isn't that much different.

Is it?

Experts say that 70% of us are imposters, especially those in leadership positions.

Many of us exist as out-of-touch anomalies—more aware of the oil levels in the cars we drive (and for guys like me that's pretty clueless) than the soul levels in the lives we live. This discrepancy is why we're addicted to affirmation, why we work the long hours, why we keep massaging that unspoken addiction.

We look to other people for cues on who we really are. Then we take those cues and tell ourselves to be satisfied with the trivial terms these people grant us. No wonder we feel an unsettling ache deep within.

When we pretend others can somehow grant us our Secret Name, we only perpetuate the lie.

Fellow humans, no matter how loud they speak, can never replace the voice of the Father. His whisper alone satisfies the soul ache that universally infects us all. He knows us much better than we know ourselves.

Truth is we'd miserably fail a self-awareness test even if our lives depended on it.

This reality touches on a serious condition—called imposter syndrome—which affects more and more people annually. People who suffer from imposter syndrome feel they don't know themselves—like they're phonies and frauds. They use similar phrases to describe their fears, phrases like:

"I'm a fake."
"I'm going to be found out."
"They' made a mistake and I shouldn’t be here."

These feelings prove toxic on many fronts. For starters, people with imposter syndrome often put unhealthy pressure on themselves. Because they're plagued with a fear of being found out, they vow never to slip up or mess up; as a result they often struggle with perfectionism. By default they believe their efforts don't measure up and always feel they are one step short of where they should be.

Guilt and depression often settle in.

Maybe you can relate.

In one season of my life, over a decade ago, I know I certainly could. In the midst of trying to get my bearings on life, I remember quite often feeling like an imposter. Sure at times, unique circumstances made this feeling more pronounced; but as a general rule, I felt like a fake.

Bored with trivial titles, I knew my own angst all too well. A victim of the war zone that ravaged my soul—body and spirit torn in two—I kept my private hell under wraps.

I only knew a world in need of saving, even if it meant losing my own soul in the process.

Who was I fooling?

Everyone—except myself.

At least that's how I felt. I tasted my fraudulence on a daily basis, even before my well-balanced breakfast. Although I didn't set out to deceive anyone, the higher I climbed, the more I needed to insulate and isolate myself from the truth—mainly, that I was living a lie.

I can guess what you're thinking.

How was I lying? Was I having an illicit sex or secretly addicted to drugs?

Strangely, neither people nor pills satisfied my soul. Instead, I found comfort in carving—my skin, that is.

I dialed into a private dialogue with myself; the only privy parties to this discussion were my body and soul, for once both involved in the same conversation.

I fell victim and perpetrator to cutting, an addiction that takes millions and 4% of the population as its prey every year.

The byproduct?

I inherited just another Given Name–SELF-INJURER.

The payoff?

In those dark moments, colored with a distinct ritualistic red, I felt real, even if only for an instant. The rest of the time, I preferred imposter. I wore that name well, and no one could tell it wasn't my color. My plastic performance offered appeal, mainly anesthesia from the ache of not knowing my Secret Name.

Make no mistake.

I never shirked my leadership positions. I took them quite serious—actually way too serious. My quandary was a little different, specifically that my labels were never enough. These titles had potential to direct me, but I asked too much of them. I begged them to define me, solely satisfied with knowing what I did, rather than discovering who I was created to be.

As a result, I felt like a fake—perpetually.

But all that changed one day.

The day I overcame the imposter inside.

The day I discovered my Secret Name.

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If you’re a follower of Jesus you also have a Secret Name. Don't believe me? Check out Revelation 2:17 for starters.

Article based on an excerpt from Your Secret Name by Kary Oberbrunner, published by Zondervan, available here via Amazon for $10.19 (ISBN:  978-0310285465)  

Kary Oberbrunner is founder of Redeem the Day, a movement connecting people to a process that ignites their souls on fire. Married to his soul mate Kelly, he serves as a pastor at Grace Church in Ohio.

1 Comment »

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   Comment by Adley - Sep 03, 2010 @ 02:18 PM

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