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The Typical Pastor's Wife is Dead
By Lori Wilhite

I think the "typical Pastor's Wife" is dead. You know, that woman who had it all together, never seemed to struggle, played the piano, attended every event, and met everyone's expectations ... although she could have had some help with her wardrobe.

I've heard, read and said "I'm not the typical pastor's wife" so many times, I've started to wonder if she really ever existed at all ... or if she really only existed in people's minds and expectations.

Some ladies say that as a badge of honor. Most, like me, say it with the guilty knowledge that we aren't measuring up ... that somehow God messed up when He called us to leadership, because we just aren't "typical."

We spend mass amounts of time, energy, emotion, and effort comparing ourselves to a myth. And the problem is ... I fall short. My attention turns to my shortcomings and failings instead of staying focused on God and who He created me to be.

But the truth is, God knew exactly what He was doing ... exactly who He was calling. He knows my shortcomings and my struggles, and He has extended His call to leadership and ministry anyway.

Maybe "typical" isn't what I thought ... maybe there is a new typical. Maybe I'm typical. The more I talk to Pastors' Wives, the more I realize how alike we are.

Regardless of: Age. Location. Denomination. Church Style. Church Size. I've noticed that we all seem to have the same questions. The same struggles. The same difficulties.

We are trying to serve God to the best of our abilities while navigating the challenges of leadership and the pulls of life. Sure, it looks different for everyone, but we are working it out.

So I think I'm just going to let what I thought was the "typical" pastor's wife go by the wayside, and link arms with other Christian women, who like me, are just doing our best trying to figure life and leadership out.

I'm going to embrace the knowledge that maybe I am typical ... a woman wanting to know Jesus, support my husband, love my children, care for our church, wrestle with my own shortcomings, grow in love and grace, keep my head up during the tough times, acknowledge that I won't be all things to all people, be available to fellow-strugglers, and embrace who God made me to be.

I am not prefect. But I may well be typical ... and that is fine by me.

Lori Wilhite is the founder of leadingandlovingit.com for Pastors' Wives and Women in Ministry and the wife of Jud Wilhite, Senior Pastor at Central Christian Church in Las Vegas. They have two kids Emma and Ethan. They also have the world's cutest bulldog, Roxy. She's slightly Jane Austen obsessed and should buy stock in Starbucks since Chai-tea Lattes are a necessity.

35 Comments »

  1. love that you wrote this, Lori. love you! LOVE you.

    let’s be typical together.

    Comment by Jenni - May 17, 2011 @ 03:21 PM

  2. i’ve always felt that if the Typical Pastor’s Wife existed, she must have been married to that other mythical church creature, The Perfect Pastor :)  and thank you for writing this!!

    Comment by Krista - May 17, 2011 @ 03:26 PM

  3. Can’t think of anyone else who could have said it better, Lori! If I hadn’t found Leading and Loving it, I wouldn’t have known how “typical” I really am! God bless you!!

    Comment by Shauna - May 17, 2011 @ 03:30 PM

  4. YES!!  Exactly.

    So thankful for the way you courageously create space for women in ministry to live and lead authentically.

    Comment by Stefanie - May 17, 2011 @ 03:38 PM

  5. So refreshing to hear! Thanks for squashing this myth so many believe! What an encouragement leadingandloving it is for us! Oh how I’m so grateful for this community!

    Comment by Kristin - May 17, 2011 @ 03:45 PM

  6. soo true!!! love this!!!

    Comment by Eleana - May 17, 2011 @ 04:28 PM

  7. Spot on! You’ve created an amazing community where we can be typical together & I thank God for leading and loving it! It’s much easier being me when I have a whole audience of fellow PW’s standing up with me!

    Comment by Kristyn - May 17, 2011 @ 05:49 PM

  8. well said, friend. love this article!

    Comment by brandiandboys - May 17, 2011 @ 05:55 PM

  9. Well said my dear friend! love this!! Thanks for opening the doors of communication for all of us to become friends in a community that just simply loves us & serves Jesus sacrificially. AMEN!!

    Comment by Steph T - May 17, 2011 @ 06:07 PM

  10. I loved when you spoke on this at Catalyst. It still rings true. Love ya girl!

    Comment by Tiffany - May 17, 2011 @ 06:11 PM

  11. Love it, and love your heart for PWs! Thanks for the encouragement!

    Comment by Jaclyn Turner - May 17, 2011 @ 07:13 PM

  12. WOW! I sure wish I knew all this 33 years ago!!! I just LOVE knowing I am NORMAL!!! Thanks Lori!!

    Comment by Pam Booher - May 17, 2011 @ 07:32 PM

  13. Great words Lori!  Thank yu for the encouragement and reminder that it is okay to just be who God made me to be.

    Comment by Kris - May 17, 2011 @ 07:41 PM

  14. I am proud to link arms with you, Lori, as another typical woman doing what we’ve been called to do :)

    Comment by Michelle Meeks - May 17, 2011 @ 07:51 PM

  15. As we embark into several new phases in our lives, I have found myself wrestling with this more & more. Thank you for this very real, down to Earth perspective. I bedded the reminder.

    Comment by elisse kipe - May 18, 2011 @ 04:53 AM

  16. Very well said. I am right there with ya, girl.

    Comment by EmilyGHughes - May 18, 2011 @ 06:06 AM

  17. Embracing my typical-ness!! Thanks for this post :o)

    Comment by Leslie Oden - May 18, 2011 @ 06:10 AM

  18. Before graduating college, my husband mentioned becoming a pastor. I don’t know why he thought of it but all I could do was wonder what it would like to be a pastor’s wife. As for right now, I’m just managing as a new managers wife caring for two little girls with family help on the opposite side of the country.

    Comment by Rebekah - May 18, 2011 @ 07:29 AM

  19. I SO agree with you! I used to be a more active pastor’s wife and my main ministry was to children. As a matter of fact, I spent every Sunday downstairs doing Children’s Church. About 2 yrs. into that role, I took a Sunday off and sat upstairs. An older woman leaned over and said, “Now honey, what’s your name?” I pointed at the preacher and said, “I’m his wife, Debbie” It was so funny. Now I have fibromyalgia and daily migraines, but the church has been so loving and gracious to us. We were married in this church 19 yrs. ago and are still here 2 children and a dog later!
    Thank you for the article!

    Comment by Deborah Wilton - May 18, 2011 @ 08:37 AM

  20. Good words, Lori…..here’s to freedom in Christ! Love you lots, Kay

    Comment by Kay Warren - May 18, 2011 @ 09:25 AM

  21. Thank you for sharing this. It meant a lot!

    Comment by Kirsten - May 18, 2011 @ 12:32 PM

  22. Amen Sister!

    Comment by DisneyCyndi - May 18, 2011 @ 01:59 PM

  23. Here’s to the NEW typical PW…clink!

    Comment by Linda Seidler - May 18, 2011 @ 07:15 PM

  24. Thank you so much for an insightful and freeing article.  Not only am I a Pastor’s wife, but also work for a major ministry.  There are so many expectations to be perfect that it can be overwhelming.  Thank God for His Grace and the ability to minister to other people and their shortcomings, because we are certainly not perfect.

    Comment by Renee S. - May 19, 2011 @ 07:44 AM

  25. Great word, Lori!  Thank you!  This is why “CPR” (Celebrate Pastors in Recovery) for pastors’ wives is a great help!  Next time you see Bob or Kari Wood, ask them about it!  Would love to see more pastors’ wives get involved with it- is a great healing and encouragement process!  A number of Pastors’ wives have been through it in our area and can vouch for it- big time!

    Blessings,
    Hess Hester

    Comment by Hess Hester - May 19, 2011 @ 08:45 AM

  26. WOW and I really mean this. Let me say it again, WOW! This is epitamy of excellancy I’ve ever come across. I have to print this and give this to every pastor’s wife, I’ve ever known. Lori Wilhite, you are one of the Mouth Pieces of God, a total angel sent by God to bring truth about pastors wives and you have totally been face to face with God. Thank you.

    Comment by Nettie P - May 19, 2011 @ 10:18 AM

  27. Absolutley love this!

    Comment by Katie @ Imperfect People - May 19, 2011 @ 12:11 PM

  28. I too have been called “the not typical Pastor’s wife”. More often,  after someone finds out that I’m a “Pastor’s Wife” , they tell me but you seem SO NORMAL! Hmmm…whatever that means! :) I’m thankful that in these times we don’t have to be “ALL Perfect/typical Pastor’s Wife”. I’m blessed to have such a supportive husband, who accepts and loves me, the way God intended me to be!:)

    Comment by Sharon - May 19, 2011 @ 03:13 PM

  29. I love your post, thank you!  When my husband and I were dating, I asked him what his expectations were for his wife when he was a pastor.  To my relief, he said, “You won’t have to play the piano or organize bake sales, if that’s what you’re getting after…” Whew, was I relieved.  The hard part is feeling like I have to explain this to other people who have different expectations than my husband and me.  Thanks for your encouragement.

    Keeley

    Comment by Keeley Chorn - May 19, 2011 @ 07:47 PM

  30. Lori, LOVE the article! Would you mind if I reposted it for our young PW audience over at CLUTCH (with a link back to the Catalyst site, of course)? I think they could really benefit from it!

    Comment by Sarah - May 21, 2011 @ 06:40 AM

  31. Well…...you have just spoke my very thoughts!  I have said these very words to so many that stand before me.  Feelings of insignificance and failure because I thought that I was always falling short of what people wanted me to be.  Knowing the whole time that it is God alone that I am to please I still struggled with “Why can’t I be like other Pastor’s wives?”  Trying to accept who we are as God created us is one of the hardest realities we have to face.  But we are exactly that…..God’s creation!

    Comment by jerri - May 24, 2011 @ 07:26 AM

  32. Perhaps the “typical” pastors’ wife has become such a symbol because geniune Christ-lovers are in short supply.  Just doing what Christ has called us to do—deny yourself, pick up your cross, and follow Him—seems like an exclusive job description to many.  I, too, am a pastor’s wife who is bought by the blood of Christ.  That’s enough for me, too.

    Comment by Megan - May 25, 2011 @ 03:50 AM

  33. Well said Lori!!

    Comment by Holly furtick - May 26, 2011 @ 10:15 AM

  34. Very well said!  Love this… love you!

    Comment by Tracee Wargo ;o) - May 26, 2011 @ 10:58 AM

  35. Well said, my friend! Such wise words to newbies and a great reminder to all of us that just need to rest in who He’s created us to be. Love you :)

    Comment by Kristi - May 28, 2011 @ 07:32 PM

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