Moving Past Church Hurts Means Having a Different Conversation

If I had a dollar for every person who told me they were hurt by the church, I'd be writing this post on a much newer MAC.

This we know: imperfect people reside in corporate worship spaces. And since they do, imperfect things go down inside them.

It heartens me to see a surge of pastors and ministry leaders who desire to do it better - to love better, lead better, BE better. But even with this forward movement, the church will still be flawed. Therefore, we will never completely eliminate the issue.

It is why I'm interested in having a different conversation. I've grown a bit weary of talking about why we hurt each other in the body of Christ, as if our humanity is not reason enough. Instead, I want to shift our energy and effort to a conversation that is more productive: becoming better ourselves, and helping the church wounded be restored, again, after being hurt.

The truth is, we have stepped over the carnage long enough. The gifts of many hurt by the church lie wasted, and seeing them restored and used is a most worthy cause.

My heart for this conversation stems from my own experience of having a mega-church pastor-father who became embroiled in a scandal that resulted in his lost pulpit. Those who know this story and how much I love the church despite my past grapplings, often ask: "How did you move past your hurt to love the church, again?"

Understanding the following things is how I found my way back. For the person who has been hurt by the church, they are things they will most need to know.

1) You are not foolish to believe in community. Those who have been hurt by the church almost immediately begin to question everything that happens within it. Because of their experience, they may feel duped and may disregard all the good, determining that none of it can be real. They may shy away from any type of community, sometimes for an extended period of time. They need to be reassured that though believers are flawed, we can be a great gift to each other in times of need, want, and hurt, and it was God's plan for it to be so.

2) God is not responsible for man's decision. The most tragic thing that happens when church people behave poorly is that it can alter the way someone sees God. In researching my book, hole, the Barna Omnipoll discovered that over 30 million people say that religion has caused them to question God. It is important, then, to encourage people to separate the perfection of God from the shortcomings of people, not holding God responsible for the decisions man make without Him.

3) Dropping out or changing churches won't heal your heart. The tendency when hurt by the church is to self-protect by dropping out of church or finding another place of worship. While there is a time and place for finding a new church (a decision based on core beliefs, steadied prayer, family consideration and theological compatibility) it is important to help people realize that church hurts will only be healed the Healer, and it is work that will need to be done independently, in the heart.

4) Stay open, believe the best, but lessen your expectations. Church hurts are some of the toughest to move past. But it is our responsibility to help guide people to keep their heart open and pure. How we, as leaders, set the example with how we handle our own disappointments in the church will be the biggest key to this. Things like believing the best in people, offering grace, holding expectations loosely and having a commitment to working through tough issues and disagreements will be the glue that will hold the community together.

5) Know that through the holes from church hurts you can find Jesus. Church hurts can cause deep, limiting and defining holes in our life. But through those holes exists space to see more, know more, and experience greater love for Jesus. Holes help us view the One who will never hurt us or let us down, and with that focus, gathering as flawed humans to worship our one great God becomes possible because it remains about Him.

Jesus lived and died for His message of redemption. Seeing those who have been hurt by the church, loving them, and helping restore them back to spiritual health not only furthers this message, but invests in those who already believe but simply need to find their way back.

We owe it to Him to have the conversation.

 

 

7 Comments »

1. Thank you so much for this post.  I attend the church a grew up in and even though I have been hurt several times over the years (starting when I was young) I am still an active member.  I left a couple of times to try something/somewhere different but I keep going back because I feel like the people who had nothing to do with the hurt are like family and I miss being with them.  I know God has a plan and a purpose and that’s why I’m there…..singing in the choir, leading hymns during worship, being a member of a couple of boards that I was voted onto.  And what you said is very true…...leaving doesn’t heal the heart.  But God’s grace has helped heal mine.  Thank you again.

   Comment by Helena - Feb 21, 2012 @ 10:09 AM

2. GOOD STUFF!  I also encourage we take the conversation FURTHER and determine what can we DO TO PREVENT CHURCH HURT…as I believe a good portion of it is avoidable.

   Comment by Pastor Moe - Mar 15, 2012 @ 08:03 AM

3. Where do I begin…my family and I live in rural America…my dad a pastor of a church…he was fired 8 months ago…the reasoning by the elders was. Because he was politically incorrect…and made people feel bad in the truth of God’s word…he was convicting them and holding them accountable….God began the pruning process but the people being pruned were the one’s with the power and money…so the leadership being the money and power worshippers they are fired my dad…and then gave no explanation to the congregation…so the rumors began to fly…we held our counsel knowing God will defend…but when the accusations of infidelity and stealing began that was difficult to take…and forgive…because we knew they weren’t true…so now 8 months later we still live in this small town…with no Church home..and God gives us a word to begin a new ...to minister to the downcast the wounded…we feel called to begin a church of misfits…The church that fired my dad has been a very bad example to the lost in this community of who Christ is…people here want and long for something different…you can here it in their voices…they have been beaten down and rejected by the elite religious people…so we are staying because right now God has told us too…and we are praying for continued healing and forgiveness inour hearts…thank u for this article ...It encouraged me to seek Christ in seeing Church differently….Please pray for my family we r living in the lions den…it’s not been easy….

   Comment by Candi - Mar 15, 2012 @ 08:18 AM

4. My husband has been a pastor for about 30 years. We have had issues in several of our churches, mostly because of a lack of leadership from deacons, and also power struggles with trustees and (again) deacons. Not that my husband was a power nut, no, but when they are trying to tell him who he should or should not marry…..as well as other things, well, of course there will be a struggle!! A lot of this happens at churches who have a history of these types of problems and unfortunately our denomination does NOTHING to either warn the incoming pastor or deal with the church itself in working through these issues before they call a new pastor!! Very frustrating!! (we are in the ABC by the way…..which has it’s own issues)  We have been treated very badly by churches, and it has taken it’s toll on us in many ways. We get no help really or support from our denomination….

   Comment by Margaret Scovell - Mar 15, 2012 @ 08:29 AM

5. Very good post… It is amazing How God has raised me up from this said position in just one year to the Ministry He called me too many many years, paralysed due to following man made religious models of failure…

   I was rejected so many times, overlooked called a devil, all kind off names because I refuse to “play church” I knew we had to be the church… We are the Church, we don’t go to Church we assemble, its as small as2/3 or thousands as God desires, many are tainted with the wrong concept of church and need to go back to the word of God and seek Him in prayer.. research our models read Colossians 2… and meditate on it study it and seek God for guidance….

   The answer is that all saints need to get into KINGDOM BUILDING, this is what Jesus left for us not what we see mostly today, we need to make the change from the new wine in old skins and go to the new wine in new skins….The critical difference between a Kingdom minded church and a denominational one is the issue of
   concept of ministry. A Kingdom minded church will be one where the Church is presented as the Body of
   Christ. Since it is a Body, the real Head is Christ and every one of the redeemed is gifted by the Holy
   Spirit to function optimally to contribute to its health. This by no means implies there will be no leadership.
   Rather, the Kingdom minded Church is conscious of the need to live according to the Word of God. The
   Word specifically pinpoints the ministry of leaders – the fivefold:
   apostles, prophets, evangelists, pastors
   and teachers – as that of “equipping the saints” or perfecting them for the work of the ministry. In other
   words, the work of the ministry is to be done by brethren in the household of faith rather than just the
   leaders themselves. This establishes the fact that the Church is designed to function as a living, loving
   organism rather than an impersonal human or religious organization. Until this simple truth is discovered
   and put into practice, the Church of Jesus Christ will remain immature and an ineffective witness of the
   risen Christ before a skeptical world.
   Pastor Ashley John
   The Church of the Living God

   Comment by Ashley John - Mar 15, 2012 @ 10:14 AM

6. I love this! This is so good!!!  Thanks for writing it.

   Comment by Pilar - Mar 19, 2012 @ 04:43 PM

7. God is REAL, Jesus is REAL Unless you are willing to study his words and beleive them You are lost forever

   Comment by Janie Howard - Apr 15, 2012 @ 08:19 AM

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